Waiters and Waitresses for President!
Waiters and waitresses would have this country straightened out in no time.
Drive-Thru Employees will be the new Secret Service. They know everything about you.
Waiters and waitresses are smart. A most insightful gal left a comment on The Bitchy Waiter’s Facebook page that totally backs me up and it inspired me to write this post. She couldn’t be more right. In fact, one of the smartest dudes I’ve ever met is a former waiter with whom I once had the privilege to work and learn from. He would instantly be described as uber intelligent by anyone that knows him.
He’s supposed to be turning in a guest blog one of these days. I hope you guys get the chance to meet him.
Regardless of my hella intellectual friend, waiters and waitresses are smart. Let me tell you something, if the general public knew how frikkin smart waiters and waitresses are, they wouldn’t go out to eat anymore because of the realization that no matter how hard they try to perpetrate, servers got their number in a heartbeat. You cannot fool a seasoned service professional. Sorry.
In fact, I challenge anyone to come up with a group of blue collar workers who are smarter than waiters and waitresses.
It certainly isn’t the cops.
Teachers? Pshaw!
Definitely not here in Las Vegas, that’s for sure.
Raise the roof for the lowest graduation rate in the nation! Woo-Hoo! We’re on the map baby. We’ll always have plenty of bus boys for the hotels, and dumb cops.
The last job I worked at was nothing but downtown office professionals and city employees at lunchtime. The term “Ignorance is bliss” was coined for them specifically, I’m certain.
In fact, waiters are smarter than most white collar workers. My doctors and dentists are sheep-biting Zanzibarian corn-swagglers.
My lawyer is a fuckin’ saint. I love her. 
Lawyers are smart, but most waiters I know could easily be lawyers. Could you imagine Bitchy Waiter or The Real Barman cross examining you? No thanks. Those cats would tear you apart. Forget about it.
In fact, I know a dude in Salt Lake City who was a bad ass waiter with me in The Nineties and he didn’t write a frikkin thing down. Ever. He never made a mistake, even on Sunday mornings when we had to serve a brunch.
These brunch shifts were stoo-pid. Once a week we had to pull off a menu that was 100% outside of the regular menu. Every week it was like we were doing it for the first time, but this waiter, who is the baddest ass lawyer in SLC now, never wrote a thing down.
I got to thinking about this and realized that waiters and waitresses across the nation should start a revolution and overthrow the government. Seriously, could we fuck things up any worse?
Think about the monkey-fucking douche-o-rama load of dog shit that is the current Presidential race. Have you ever seen two more pathetic ass-wipes asking to be hired for such an important job? Really.
Do waiters and waitresses absolutely pale in comparison to the two lying half-wits we have to choose from in November?
I doubt it. I think we would rock the shit out of running the nation.
Here’s why:
- All adults would be able to marry any other adult that wants to marry them. In the restaurant business we don’t play that discriminatory shit. Each person is worth only what they bring to the table. Nothing else is considered.
- Arizona would be rolling silverware every night until they straighten up.
- Waiting tables 101 would be mandatory for anyone passing through our public school systems, along with a strong emphasis on math, particularly how to calculate percentages. In fact, I think we will implement into the curriculum a 20% table, like the X’s table. This way everyone will have 20% of any number memorized since grade 2. If you want to be a CEO of a corporation, you will have to complete waiting tables 408, and shit. It will be all kinds of intense on your greedy wanting to be a CEO ass, and you will know how to be kind to people and respect your environment because you will have been humbled beyond your wildest expectations. I don’t wanna hear about your Skulls and Bones brothers pissing on you in a mud pit, either. That shit is child’s play.
- There would be a rotation of the Oval Office “section.” We wouldn’t let some waiter have the best section for four years straight. GTFO!
- “Legalize it!” would be so moot.
- Minimum wage: $55.00/hr
- Automatic death penalty to those who harm children, and rapists. Any kind of rapists, actual rapists, sort-of rapists, figurative rapists, date rapists, whatever. ALL of you rapists are gonna get shut down. We don’t fool around in the restaurant biz. You could get a sexual harassment charge thrown at you for telling a waitress you like her earrings.
- Any restaurant owner that cries “encroachment” on a food truck will automatically relinquish their restaurant to the food truck owner for use as personal storage and impromptu parties. Also, the restaurant owner will be the food truck owner’s personal servant until the food truck owner has determined that the restaurant owner knows what it means to play nice and stop being a greedy little pig and make better egg rolls if you don’t like competition. Cry baby.
- Your religion will be deemed as important as your favorite hobby, so you’ll have to shelve it with your slinky.
- Mandatory $5000 dollar fine for interrupting your waiters and waitresses. $10,000 if you interrupt them while they’re reciting the specials.
- Life in jail for stealing sugar packets.
- Punishment for anyone making lemonade with ice water, sugar packets and lemons: Mandatory sixty second full-nude appearance on “America’s got talent” while Howard Stern scrutinizes you.
- Wannabe restaurant owners will be required to undergo rigorous mental and physical testing to even be considered, and they will be put through a thorough background check with like 5,000 red flag keywords figured into the search. If they so much as stole a quarter from their neighbors couch, they don’t get to own a restaurant.
- The Real Barman will hand-pick a group of bartenders to restructure our national holiday system.
- The job of restaurant hostess will go to robots.
- Tarantino will make all restaurant training videos.
- Food Network: Bye-bye.
- Free hookers (ex-hostesses) for busboys on the third Saturday of every month.
- Waiters and waitresses ONLY will be in charge of all music and/or television programming at the restaurants. Owners and managers are not allowed to have an opinion about it. If you’re a guest at a restaurant and you ask for the music to be changed, or the volume to be adjusted, you will be “whipped creamed” by the entire staff and pay a mandatory 100% tip on your check, which will include about 40 cans of whipped cream.
- People who tithe and refuse to tip a higher percentage than what their church requires from their income are mandated to “To-Go Only” status. No dining in public for you, and wasting the good time of waiters and waitresses.
- Sides of ranch dressing for anything other than a salad will be seventy-five dollars.
- There will be a new lottery. Every week The Bitchy Waiter will draw five credit card slips out of a spinning ball. These credit card slips will be those of the bad tippers across the nation, and submitted by waiters and waitresses (Your fuckin presidents, beeyoch) everywhere. When a bad tippers name is pulled, The Bitchy Waiter will show the nation the crummy tip then go off on them for a couple of minutes. We will then reveal their identity and place of residence, via Google Maps. Any American citizen will have the right to verbally assault the lottery winners for one week, and/or send them poop in the mail.
- Restaurant managers will be replaced with Oompa Loompas on loan from Willy Wonka. The Oompa Loompas will be dressed up in suits and given clipboards so it won’t seem so bad when waiters and waitresses laugh at them.
- All prison commissaries will be turned into “Red Lobsters.”
Feel free to add to the list. Cheers!
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